“Depression is something that makes you lose your sight.”[i] My depression was starting to become harder and harder to keep covert as far back as 2003. I was in a constant struggle with myself to continue make sense out of what I was doing, when it wasn’t working for me anymore. My life was getting better on the outside, yet I could not make sense out of the chaos, the discontent, that was going on inside of me. As Joshua Wolf Shenk said, “In fact, as his life became richer and more satisfying, his melancholy exerted a stronger pull.” There were acts that I did that were absolutely not in conformity with my nature. My deep, indescribable angst was starting to take over. My fear was now starting to take over, again. I started to undermine my own life.
“The wound is the place where the light enters you.”[ii] There were major life changing events that transpired for me at or near the end of 2010. After those events took place, Mr. Depression took over. There were times in my therapy after that where I felt like I was going to die, literally. So for the last 2+ years of my life I have dealt with those wounds. I’m not going to describe what transpired, what I did, or how my therapy progressed. Everyone has their own path when dealing with their emotional wounds, those deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of their consciousness.
I am ill because of wounds deep to the soul, to the deep emotional self
and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help. [iii]
Here’s where the biggest struggle is for me. I want to be done with this. I feel like I am becoming if not being my true self for the first time in my life. I want to be done with this working on those deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness. Yet I have to realize that I am not the one who decides when to work these conflicts out. It may take me years to get through it all, if I ever do.
Wait, I am writing this so I must be moving through it. I have come a hell of a long way. That little boy who was so interested in the world is coming back and that is the gift. My buddy, the painter, and I both believe that we are on this journey, called whatever it is called, to learn to reconnect to the source, I call Ggod, who I was disconnected from back then. When I was disconnected is unknown and it doesnt matter, but I know I was.
I was talking with a therapist friend of mine and she said that we always stay connected, its just that we get caught up in what she called “the TV show” that goes on around us. I used the metaphor in the post about the “Ggod damn Demon” about how my spirit went to sleep. My friend the painter says disconnected. I am starting to think that we, as a Jesuit priest said, “are nothing but a cry for Ggod.”
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is permission