That day a few years ago when I was led to go to my doctor and learn that I had depression was the culmination of what I perceived was my fall from grace. I had “fallen ill.” I could now name what the problem that I had was. This is not to say that that was my low point in this journey.[ii]
Whether by choice or fate, I fell into the depression.
I just had breakfast this morning with a very good friend of mine, who knows he has this dis-ease. I said to him that I was glad that he was able to keep his life, the one where he was able to keep his career, and derive the benefits from that. What was interesting for me as we were having this discussion was the sense of me being okay with where I am. Even at the height of my career, I was never okay with where I was. I was always searching for something outside of myself. Before I would have been jealous of his, “security,” that he had created for himself. Because I had always thought that security was on the outside.
My life on the outside has never been more “out of control.” Yet here in this moment, right now, listening to Bruce Springsteen sing, “Rocky Ground,” I have never felt as present in my own world as I do now. No longer do I have to wake up and find out that no one is there.
“There is nothing to save, now all is lost , but a tiny core of stillness in the heart like the eye of a violet.”[iv] I put this section in here to juxtapose against what is above. It is that core that kept me going after the depression got so bad that I would oversleep for events I needed to attend. I missed something in February of last year that cost me more than most people would not be able to handle. But with the help of my friends, in particular a couple of people who know they are, I rode that out. That little core of stillness in my heart got to stay alive. Like a candle in the wind, I struggled, and there were days when I would not get out of bed at all, but I am still here.
*A perfect example of depression. I just received an email from a friend, who said that they were not emailing me because “my days (although packed from dawn to sunset) are so mundane that I am afraid that I do not have much exciting news to write.”
[i]Rumi. [ii]I could explain to you all of the external things that happened to me, but there are other people involved who will not come into this forum if I have my way.[iii] Joseph Campbell.[iv] D. H. Lawrence.
It is better to seek forgiveness than it is to seek permission