To try and understand this term “depression” is such a challenge. What is it? I cant tell you what it is in a sentence. I can find 1000 examples of it and none of them say everything about it. There is a link on my About that encompasses many of the facets of my own depression, but again still doesnt say it all. My thoughts today are that since none of our pasts, none of our paths, none of our histories are the same, that we cant say one size fits all, that depression can be defined clearly, like cancer or strep throat, etc. “Depression is something that makes you lose your sight.”[ii] Instead of a definition of what it is, this explains what happened for me and to me because of my depression. I was getting to the point in my life, I dont know when it started, when I was literally just putting one foot in front of the other, as if expecting that my continued movement was going to bring me a prize, a result, a change,….. happiness!
But in the end of my covert depression I would describe the hopelessness of my life as this “There are no windows within the dark house of depression through which to see others, only mirrors.”[iii]
So I am left with this house with no windows, I had no sight to see anything even if there were windows, and even if I could see and there were windows, I was never going to know what depression really is/was. I am still in that place as far as knowing what it “is.”
Trying to describe an emotional state, or lack thereof, which is so severe as to affect my spirit, my zest for life, is ludicrous at best and impossible at worst.
There is one thing I have heard that really tells the story best for me. Bruce Springsteen’s song, “Living Proof,” told me what I needed to do. But I could not do it alone. “The depressed person is a radical, sullen atheist.”[iv]
You shot through my anger and rage
To show me my prison was just an open cage
There were no keys no guards
Just one frightened man and some old shadows for bars.
My journey through overt depression continues!
[i] Albert Einstein, [ii] Michael Schehenker[iii] Miriam Toews[iv] Julia Kristeva