Men are not supposed to be vulnerable.[1]

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The experience of depression is not about feeling bad so much as about losing the capacity to feel at all.[2]

Where I started to lose the capacity to feel I don’t know. As far back as I can remember I felt pain in a way that seemed too extreme for my parents. I remember crying one time when I was either  4 or 5 years old.  I remember the house we lived in but I don’t remember how old I was exactly. I remember sitting in the living room one day and that the Tennessee Ernie Ford show was on the television. I might have been in kindergarten.

I remember being somewhere either on a chair or on the couch and being overwhelmed by some thing that caused me to feel the pain. I can’t tell you the absolute expression or words that came out of one of my parent’s mouth but I do remember clearly getting the message that my crying was to stop.

It is amazing  that as I sit here today, that I cry over that memory. There should be no reason for me to cry over that memory but as I sit here today in this moment the tears run.

What is sad is that message, dont cry,  I carried with me  for most of my life.  Even after doing a ton of work on myself starting over 25 years ago, I still reverted back to that unconscious rule of dont cry when faced with a painful situation later on in life.  I wont talk about the specific  instances of what that pain caused me in relationships because it is too painful still at times to realize the losses I have incurred because of that lack of being able to be honest about what I was feeling. 

The other people, besides myself,  who really suffered were not my friends or co-workers. The ones who suffered the most were the women who chose to be with me.  I am sad about that.

[1, 2] Terrence Real

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3 thoughts on “Men are not supposed to be vulnerable.[1]

  1. “The experience of depression is not about feeling bad so much as about losing the capacity to feel at all”. That’s me in a nutshell. Also, a memory of Ron saying when I was little ” Quit fucking crying ” Depression is my constant companion and has been for 50 years. I wish you strength on your journey, somehow throughout it all I keep going,striving to make it better. You scoffed at me once when I told you about taking anti-depressants as I have since 1989. But hey, I’m still here, still determined to figure it out.

    • RW

      I will put in the body of this comment what I said to you privately in an email.

      I owe you obviously a deep amend.
      My heart breaks knowing I said that to you.
      I am sorry.
      You did not deserve to be treated like that.

      You have always been there for me and to realize that I wasnt there for you truly, truly hurts. I cry as I write this. Now I know why I have always felt a strong bond towards you. I didnt see that we were both suffering. I want to do whatever it takes to make it right by you. I love you!

      • Well, so much of how we coped was similar, dark sarcastic humor and self medicating. You will work through this because you are determined. Stay strong and don’t worry about me. I’m tough as hell.=)

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